First few days as an assistant engineer…

I’ve now worked 3 days at this job which totals 27 hours of work. For the first two days I stud­ied their man­ual on using a cus­tom pro­gram they had cre­ated. I stud­ied and stud­ied for 18 hours in total and when they gave me the actual pro­gram to play around with, along with the selected mod­ules for the depart­ment I’m work­ing in; it was hard. I under­stood it a great deal, how­ever there is one issue which has totally dis­heart­ened me for this job and it’s my poor math. (Or maths with an ‘s’ in British Eng­lish, although I’m more inclined to use AmE…)

Even my basic math or actu­ally my arith­metic is not actu­ally that good. I get so embar­rassed when peo­ple ask me about any math equa­tion. Under­stand­ably, when using their pro­gram I have to use some basic math­e­mat­ics in order to do the job. I just don’t think I’m up to the job and will not likely last very long. I’m not enjoy­ing the job one bit and I’m find­ing the job bor­ing & frus­trat­ing. I’m lit­er­ally stuck in an office set­ting in a rural part of town and I pretty much don’t like the atmos­phere. For me this job is mak­ing me very depressed.

I wish I could give the brain I have now to my past-self when I was around 6 years old, I would be so smart now. I would work so hard at math­e­mat­ics espe­cially, and try to find an under­stand­ing of it. I would work hard on every sub­ject, how­ever I think arith­metic would be some­where at the fore­front of my study­ing. Then, I’d prob­a­bly become an accoun­tant, but I totally & utterly hate full-time work and most account­ing jobs are full-time. Per­haps after obtain­ing a degree in some­thing I’d go travel around the world, earn­ing money teach­ing Eng­lish which so many oth­ers are doing. So, if I’d give my brain to my younger-self, I’d have to account for the fact that I’d want to become espe­cially astute at the Eng­lish lan­guage to be able to teach it to oth­ers. With my cur­rent job, even though my math­e­mat­ics isn’t at a high, I think when my tasks become less menial the math­e­mat­ics involved will be at a higher level. I don’t like to belit­tle myself, I can’t even ‘get’ Binary, Hexa­dec­i­mal or Dec­i­mals which are very impor­tant for the job. I’m just squeez­ing by to be hon­est. Appar­ently, these are very easy to under­stand and require logic in most cases. How­ever, per­haps, I don’t have the logic for this. I’ve tried to use YouTube videos to explain them, but to me, it is too com­pli­cated. As such, I’m suf­fer­ing as a consequence.

I guess I’m still young and it isn’t too late to become good at math. How­ever, I feel that I don’t have the means in this coun­try to do things that I want to do. I want to be with my girl­friend who lives in South Korea. (She is South Korean, so go fig­ure that one out) But, rightly so, in order to be able to teach Eng­lish in South Korea, you need at least a Bach­e­lors degree; which I sadly do not have. I want to fly back to Eng­land and obtain a Bach­e­lors in Eng­lish. The course is three years long, but with that degree I could achieve my dream and be with the girl that I want to be with. Then, I have to ask my girl­friend, can you wait three years for me? I don’t think I can expect that, she is 25 and I’m 20. She’ll be 28 and I’ll be 24 (When the course ends), by that time she prob­a­bly would have already wanted to have mar­ried some­one she could be with on a stable-basis. I love her so much, but does she love me that much to wait? I’m embar­rassed to even ask that type of question.

I don’t know what the future holds, but at the moment I am depressed and just let­ting every­thing out.

What have I learned doing this job:

Am I stu­pid? Yes, for sure. Even though my man­ager, who is an engi­neer, says I’m smart. He says I’ve learned their sys­tems very quickly. Which I’ll admit, I have. How­ever, when it comes to the math­e­mat­ics side of things, I’m a total bone at it. You can throw a bone at the math­e­mat­i­cal equa­tion and you’ll get the same response as me. i.e. = nothing.

Per­haps, doing some­thing dif­fer­ent would be more prefer­able. Maybe teach­ing Eng­lish. Schools in Tai­wan like for­eign accents, espe­cially British accents. — I should have done that type of job in the first place. *yawn*

Life is so boring.