I played football today, I enjoyed that, but it only feels good for so long and in the end… it ends. Everyone goes home and goes to sleep.
I have been awake for almost 3 days now and going onto my 4th day. I should be really tired, but now that I'm home, I don't feel tired. I think I could probably play another 3 hours of football and still be in the same state.
I just want to feel relaxed, secure and I want everything just to be right. That may not make sense, but I just want it to be all OK.
Sometimes I just want life to just shut down from existence. I just want to get away.
I had a really good day today. Well sort of. I studied in the library for 7 hours and then went to play football for the first time in 4 years.
I should feel happy. Yet here I am feeling lost with no direction, quite literally. (Just thinking about it)
I just want to be at peace. But I can't be at peace. I just can't explain myself either that well as I don't know what the problem is. I just wish I could be a different person and not have to struggle so much god damnit.
Test
I mean I have a test tomorrow for lesson 6. I just finished learning the lesson 5 characters. I thought I was ahead in that. But memorizing so many of these characters is frustrating. I just want to scream right now. (In fact I'm doing that in my head right now)
I'm fake
I have also come to realize I'm very fake. Even when I'm not happy, I appear very happy and I'm good at making myself look happy. I just don't want to upset anyone. I just want to be real. But being real means being upset in front of everyone. It means hurting others. I wish I never told my close friend here in Taiwan about my troubles. I don't want to hurt of affect anyone, but I just feel a little hurt inside.