This is probably a post I regret or come back on in a few years and probably look at and ridicule myself for this.
But would it not be so much easier to just to have not been alive or just to be dead. I mean, I don't know, I am not enjoying life too much right now. I should really be enjoying it. Who else gets the chance to go to other countries, speak to and make friends with foreign people, learn a new language in University or experience things which you would never have if you stayed in your original country. (For me the UK)
The future
Is life really worth living? I just wish I could find out by going into the future. If my life was pretty bad, I think I would have to end it before I could go through anymore suffering. If you knew what your life was like in the future you could ask whether it is still worth living for, if the future is bad then you know just know it isn't. – Perhaps you can change it, but if you can't what's the point? I mean not to be totally negative, but if my life was really nice and I had a beautiful family, then for me, it would be worth living for. Or if I found out I had a kid or kids then for me it would be worth living. As I would want to do my absolute best for them and make sure they did not grow up the same way as I did. I would have got them into education early and made sure they were learning from the start and I would have treated them like no other. But if that wasn't the case, and I was just purely a bum on the streets and that is the way I died, I don't think I would go on living.
Since the future is uncertain and the many variables that we change when we make decisions, it kind of is worth living for just to see "what happens next?". I mean I have been depressed and at a lot of times suicidal since I was 14, but throughout the years I have come the realization that finding out through life what will happen in the future is worth living for. You might find someone happy, someone who you connect with or something that just purely makes your life happy and worth living for. I think suicide is more importantly a dis-service to your potential future-self which of course is yourself. So I don't think that route should be explored, even if your situation is the worst. You just need to have that certain motivation. I have felt that motivation before when I was excited to learn Chinese. Even though I have lost that and I probably will gain it back once I gain confidence in my learning abilities, I have no doubt that life in the future is a possibility of which it could turn out quite well. In this world you purely just have to make something of yourself. "Don't get left behind…" my teacher told me in class today and she is exactly right.
Maybe life sucks right now and maybe you just don't feel right. I think everyone should give themselves a real chance at their potential and that means trying to the highest of your ability even if you are depressed, upset or suicidal. Just do what you think feels right which will change yourself. Do something rash and out of the ordinary. Scream in the park and let your voice be heard. In fact I might just go do that tomorrow when I go for a run. People have all this energy and power stored inside them, and that to me is potential and people can use that for the betterment of themselves. So never give up. It has been 6 years since I first was suicidal. I have not had the best experience in life that I could have had, pretty much life has sucked up to now. But I'm still going on. I may falter at times, but I'm still going and moving.
