by personal | Jul 15, 2011 | Opinion
I wish Chinese was so much easier to learn. I find it so difficult. I am currently probably the lowest grade student in the language course itself. I try and dedicate time for studying, but it appears to me that others can easily understand the language without any problems.
I understand bopomofo, which is like abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxyz, except much harder, since you have to remember what they look like and some of them aren't straight forward like English. I'm failing at class. I have recently managed to get 2 language exchange partners. I hope they can help me.
If anything, the next language I want to learn is Korean. That would be so awesome if I could and since there are no tones in Korean, like there is in Chinese, I won't have to worry too much about saying a word in a different pitch or … tone.
I guess learning Chinese will take time, but I wish I could be at least at the same level as others. Currently I am at the bottom and you don't know how that makes me feel. It kind of makes me feel like shit if I am honest. I don't like it. It would be awesome if I could go to university here in Taiwan and learn computer networking or something like that. But first I need to know the language or at least be able to have a conversation.
On another note. I am becoming a citizen of Taiwan. It is a little bit of a headache to get everything sorted, but I think I will get there.
I just wish things were much easier to do in life. I hope too much maybe or I wish too much. If anything, if I had loads of money, I would do everything I wanted to do. I would travel around the world and bring friends with me. I would do what I wanted to do. I would still learn Chinese I think and would probably buy a really nice apartment close to where my university is. Then I would feel so much more secure in finding someone to love and in diminishing my own insecurities.
I recently read a BBC article which stated someone won in excess to $250 million dollars in the UK on the Euro-Millions. Why couldn't that be me, when I did the lottery in the UK? I just wish I had all that money. I would help my friends and especially this South Korean guy that has become probably my most trusted and bestest friend in Taiwan. He is so honest and he is a good friend I would say. He doesn't appear to have much money and is living in a horrible hotel. I would buy myself a large apartment and say to him and his girlfriend he could come live with me and I would help him out money-wise. I would help my other friends too. I would take them to trips around Taiwan and to other countries where we could have a lot of fun and experience the world for what it is, a beautiful place.
Well that is just me dreaming, since I'll be realistic and say I will most likely never win the lottery, especially in amounts as big as that.
by personal | Jun 20, 2011 | Opinion
This is probably a post I regret or come back on in a few years and probably look at and ridicule myself for this.
But would it not be so much easier to just to have not been alive or just to be dead. I mean, I don't know, I am not enjoying life too much right now. I should really be enjoying it. Who else gets the chance to go to other countries, speak to and make friends with foreign people, learn a new language in University or experience things which you would never have if you stayed in your original country. (For me the UK)
The future
Is life really worth living? I just wish I could find out by going into the future. If my life was pretty bad, I think I would have to end it before I could go through anymore suffering. If you knew what your life was like in the future you could ask whether it is still worth living for, if the future is bad then you know just know it isn't. – Perhaps you can change it, but if you can't what's the point? I mean not to be totally negative, but if my life was really nice and I had a beautiful family, then for me, it would be worth living for. Or if I found out I had a kid or kids then for me it would be worth living. As I would want to do my absolute best for them and make sure they did not grow up the same way as I did. I would have got them into education early and made sure they were learning from the start and I would have treated them like no other. But if that wasn't the case, and I was just purely a bum on the streets and that is the way I died, I don't think I would go on living.
Since the future is uncertain and the many variables that we change when we make decisions, it kind of is worth living for just to see "what happens next?". I mean I have been depressed and at a lot of times suicidal since I was 14, but throughout the years I have come the realization that finding out through life what will happen in the future is worth living for. You might find someone happy, someone who you connect with or something that just purely makes your life happy and worth living for. I think suicide is more importantly a dis-service to your potential future-self which of course is yourself. So I don't think that route should be explored, even if your situation is the worst. You just need to have that certain motivation. I have felt that motivation before when I was excited to learn Chinese. Even though I have lost that and I probably will gain it back once I gain confidence in my learning abilities, I have no doubt that life in the future is a possibility of which it could turn out quite well. In this world you purely just have to make something of yourself. "Don't get left behind…" my teacher told me in class today and she is exactly right.
Maybe life sucks right now and maybe you just don't feel right. I think everyone should give themselves a real chance at their potential and that means trying to the highest of your ability even if you are depressed, upset or suicidal. Just do what you think feels right which will change yourself. Do something rash and out of the ordinary. Scream in the park and let your voice be heard. In fact I might just go do that tomorrow when I go for a run. People have all this energy and power stored inside them, and that to me is potential and people can use that for the betterment of themselves. So never give up. It has been 6 years since I first was suicidal. I have not had the best experience in life that I could have had, pretty much life has sucked up to now. But I'm still going on. I may falter at times, but I'm still going and moving.
by personal | Jun 20, 2011 | Updates
Tomorrow I might be getting a job with a friend of my mothers who’s husband owns a business which manufacturers software for cars to check their health. I don’t believe it is just software they make, but they also make tools which connect to your car to which you can plug in via USB into your computer to run tests.
I’m not sure exactly what type of job I am being offered, hopefully it is one with good pay. This would also change my future dramatically. My other option to become a citizen of Taiwan would have been to join the Taiwanese army to complete military conscription. I have always wanted to experience joining the military, but my family are really restrictive when it comes to that. They would rather I work and make decent pay and not get involved. I’m also looking out for my future, maybe I will have this job for a long time and I might become something from it. The company operates in Taiwan, the U.S., Japan and several other countries, so this company isn’t small and there are many prospects of further up the ladder jobs within the company. The fact that my mother is near enough best friends with the wife, makes this job quite secure hopefully.
I am just worried it won’t be a job that I am unable to do or a job that I will be good at. I mean if I am good at something I won’t mind doing it and my employer probably won’t fire me if I do it well. Whereas if I am useless at the job, I probably won’t last long. I also have to sort out getting a work permit, which hopefully won’t be too much of a problem and again hopefully they will know the steps and give me the right documents to apply for a permit.
While I am doing this I am still hoping to learn Chinese, albeit sucking at learning Chinese and kind of losing motivation with learning the language. I am just hoping that Chinese won’t be a requirement at this place as I couldn’t save my own life with the language if I needed to.
Though for me the perfect job would be as a model. I don’t particularly think I am good looking, but others say I am good looking and other people I have met so far want to introduce me to other women. Just staring into a camera and earning money would be pretty awesome. But I don’t mind going the corporate way of earning money if the job is good and the pay is at least decent. If the pay was pretty decent, I think I would get my own place in this country and start living life finally as an adult living by myself and just purely secure and self-dependent as opposed to being dependent on my parents. – I guess this is what I am looking for.
As for the Chinese and me being rubbish at it, well I will give it a go, I won’t give up now. I think I just need to practice at home more often rather than go on my computer all the time which is probably the reason others are a head of me. Though I have been practicing. But it just seems when we learn something new in class, everyone is very adaptive to learning and more importantly remembering what was said while I kind of lag behind there. I just need to find something I love doing and something I want to do.
by personal | Jun 20, 2011 | Opinion
So I am studying Chinese right now in Taiwan. (Mandarin) It is as if everyone is better than me. In fact they are better than me. I won’t kid myself. I thought I would be able to learn Chinese (Mandarin) really fast or at least pick it up easily. I can only really remember half of BoPoMoFo. I was kind of depressed in class today and wasn’t so excited in learning the language As at first I was quite motivated and excited about learning the language. Now it is just one of those ‘meh’ things which I don’t really have any motivation for anymore. I mean at least if someone else sucked badly like me, I wouldn’t be alone, but it seems everyone is decent for a beginner learning Chinese while I still suck.
I understand that people will say that no one is better than one other person, but in this case it is proven fact. It is as if I can’t remember or I don’t have to brain to learn this language. Basically what I am saying is that I am dense when it comes to learning this. Probably most other things as well. The funny thing is when doing computer science I excelled in front of everyone else. Here I am the last guy to complete tasks, the last guy to understand, the only guy who doesn’t understand, the nervous guy, the freak from my own perception or the dumb ass (Idiot).
Recently I posted a bit of text on Facebook saying “One day you will be able to download Chinese into your brain..”. I am afraid I probably won’t ever see that, but perhaps one day it will happen. It is just so frustrating how others can pick up what is said and remember them without any detriment to the pronunciation of the symbol.
I just wish I was smart enough just to learn something in my life that would be useful for my future. Maybe I will crack learning Chinese one day, but why am I the one that is so behind in the class. The teacher even said to me that I’m not stupid, as she saw that I was upset or in a bad way, but that is what you expect others to say when you are actually dumb. So that really didn’t help.
If there is one thing I’d ask to a greater power, it would be to give me money. If that wasn’t an option, then a brain would be pretty nice. Or a brain that could at least remember stuff as opposed to losing information as soon as it is said to me. I don’t know. I thought I was out of this depression, but from my stand point, bad things keep happening and I try… but it never works out.
by personal | Jun 18, 2011 | Updates
I made some new friends who contacted me through e-mail when I posted an ad on Tealit.com. 🙂 I got quite a few people contacting me who wanted to either just be friends or to help me learn Chinese. I urgently need help with Chinese. Plus these guys know other people I can made friends with, who I can chill with and just be friends with. The guy I did make friends with took me with his friend to a Japanese restaurant. The food was really nice, except for the the Sashimi and Wusabi. I don’t like spice and it wasn’t just the spice or whatever the taste that was in those raw fish.
The food was great and they were nice people to talk to. They taught me how to say rice, which is said as “fun”. 😛 That will be quite easy to remember. To also say pork meat, you say it as “jewpie”. Haha.
It was fun and hopefully if or when I move onto the campus, I will be able to chill out with him and his friends, since my current “friends” at this university aren’t that active or aren’t that exciting. I don’t know but they don’t ask me if I want to go out or do stuff, so hopefully I’ve found friend who is actively wanting a good friend. (If that makes sense)
I had good fun with them. I have never been on a bike (Motor-bike or Scooter) so this was my first time and I was scared sh*tless. Every turn he made I would scream in fear of falling off or whenever he sped up, it frightened me a little. Okay, if you asked him, he would probably say I was screaming like a little girl. I kind of was, but hey it was my first time and those types of vehicles you need to get used to before you can like it. Or to put it another way, it felt like a roller coaster, it was fun but scary. But after a while you don’t mind it anymore and you overcome that fear.
It was great fun and a good excuse to go out rather than sit in-doors all day.
On another great note, I am also running around the park now, as opposed to the running track. The park is around 4 times the size of the running track, so I am hoping to do well. I could only do 4 runs around the park, where with the running track I can continuously go on running around 17 times without stopping. But the park is more of a challenge, it is much larger and the ground is harder. I’m hoping by the end of next week that I will be able to continuously run around 10 times without stopping. It is a stretch and I would say that is around 15 miles running in total.
I am hoping to do that everyday. It should increase my fitness level and tone myself up quite a bit. I am also going to be taking up swimming as I want a nice looking body when I visit Kenting, Taiwan. – Which has beaches that look absolutely fantastic and beautiful with (lots of girls) lots of nice blue water and I am also hoping to take up surfing! 🙂
