by Jonny | Sep 21, 2011 | Updates
My god I could not believe myself. My anxiety problems are worse than I previously thought. When the teacher told us to read out a dialogue in Chinese in front of the class, my heart was pumping and beating so fast. I managed to do it correctly and everything, but I felt something after which I have never felt before. I just felt stressed and annoyed at myself for being the way I am. I was literally shaking and I don’t know why. My hands were just shaking uncontrollably.
Perhaps, that is the first step of getting past my nerves about speaking in front of everyone. Maybe the feeling I felt was something I needed and required and is the first step before anything else.
I don’t know why I am like this. When I done my business course in the UK, – I felt anxiety when we had to do a presentation in front of everyone; however, I never really felt like this. The reason for the differentiation between my business course & my Chinese course is the fact that with my Chinese course I feel as if I am no good at the subject.
In fact I am not good at this subject. It hurts since I want to achieve something while I am learning, but I just feel I am not achieving much. That’s all.
by Jonny | Sep 20, 2011 | Updates
I was speaking to my friend from South Korea today and he was also having difficulties learning Chinese. However that is more than understandable considering he managed to skip to a higher level for the Chinese language course.
He is a good friend and I like his advice. He studies very hard I believe however he has started to lose interest in Chinese. We kind of talked it over and he said he didn't have a good enough reason to study Chinese, which is why he is losing interest he believes. I think it is for other reasons. What I believe he is asking himself is "What do I do after I learn Chinese?" or "Am I going to get a job which I will like with the language I am learning?”
In a sense I agree with him. Although I have a pretty damn good reason to be learning this language since I am Taiwanese. Even though I have a good reason and should have this huge drive to be learning this language I am finding this language very tough to muster and to learn. I feel I am learning too slowly and even when I repeatedly find methods which usually work when memorizing the characters, when someone asks me to write those characters, I find it very difficult.
What I also find very difficult is the measurement words to remember in Chinese since books, pens, newspapers all have different measurement words which go before them. So if you want to order two books, you need to know the measurement words. Although you don't in reality considering you'd just pick up two books or you can just say 2 books and not include the measurement word. But I just feel bad every time I have a test, because it seems I am the only guy in class that struggles. I can study the day before and even for the entire week, but yet when it comes to answering questions I am given, I struggle hard. – Harder than anyone else it feels like.
But I am trying to change my attitude since it stinks. I am too afraid to speak and when the teacher asks me any questions, I am afraid to answer or make a fool out of myself. I even made a simple mistake today which some people laughed at. But I noticed the mistake and it was a very small error which I looked past. The error that I found was that I was trying to say the Chinese as fast as I could so people wouldn't think I was slow. The error I made was that I said a little more than I should have done. But that is because I never focused on what I was reading. Otherwise I would have totally understood the question, had I not been so worried about what others were thinking of me.
Tomorrow I will try to change. But I have a feeling or gut instinct I won’t like my test results that I did today. That will make me go back to thinking like a 0 or a nothing. I just hope that things can improve a little more quickly than they are at the moment.
I just feel that with life it comes down to money. You have money? Well you can be who you want and do what you want. You can go on nice holidays and not worry about any bills. – Buy anything you want and do anything you want. No insecurities really. Though I am sure a lot of rich people create insecurities for themselves. I would be more relaxed with learning Chinese, would probably pay for 1 on 1 class everyday and perhaps outside classes too to speed up my learning abilities that bit more. That is the power of money.
by Jonny | Sep 16, 2011 | Updates
I had quite an interesting day today.
Laura (My good friend) organised a cinema trip to a place called Mitsukoshi, where we watched Johnny English: Reborn. The film was extremely funny. She invited a person who studies a degree in economics, that we met in the gym and who we talked to for a while. He invited his friends who were also doing the same course, which consisted of another 2 men and 2 women. I kind of think they were trying to set me up or set one of the girls up with me. – Since they insisted I sit next to her. She was cute, but it was kind of weird! 😛
As from my last post, I stated I took Ritalin and my god that drug is powerful. I felt the rush in me after around an hour and I had no care in the world. It felt good. I won't become addicted since I am smarter than that, but I think this drug will help me focus when I need to take it. – It will also get me more involved in class as it has kind of sprouted up my confidence which I kind of lost.
Continuing on about today, after the film we watched, went to a nice small night market which seemed to be more organised than that of other night markets I've been to. In fact it seemed like a regular styled market you would see in the UK, except more fun. – Though the goods that they were selling or the goods you could win, weren't any good. But it was good fun. We played a few games at this night market and there was this hoop throwing game, where you had to throw these hoops on top of these bottles to win these drinks. I managed to get around 4 or 5 hoops around these bottles. – I was kind of surprised and was very lucky to have even got one hoop over the bottles. But it was fun and I met some new Taiwanese people! I was kind of feeling down all week and hopeless, but now I think things have changed for the better. However I doubt I can hold these feelings.
by Jonny | Sep 14, 2011 | Updates
I suffer greatly from anxiety. People can realise this however they don't see it as a condition. They just think I am too scared or if you want to go ghetto, they think I is pussy. But the the thing is anxiety is a huge problem for me. I wish I never had it and I wish I could overcome it. Which is why I think it is quite a good idea for me to go into the Taiwanese military. It will make me man up and overcome my worries. Or the other thing it could do is push me into a deeper hole. Though I don't mind congregating with other people and I think I would make a decent amount of friends if I did indeed join the army. – Even though the advice I have recieved is to not join, as for example I might be bullied since I don't know Chinese too well. Though as long as I do what everyone else is doing, I think I will be fine and I may need a little extra help.
To kind of ensure that my langauge capabilites are at a reasonable level, I am now taking one on one classes. It costs around $600NT per hour. But I am only going to do one hour per week. The teacher is very nice and she speaks English. Though she has stated it isn't a good idea to learn via translating from Chinese to English. It is better to think about what the character or said word means as opposed to translation from English to Chinese; as said.
I hope these extra classes or the extra learning will help me improve. I recently read a book on A.D.D, I really have all symtoms, but I don't want to go to a doctor since it will be too expensive in my opinion. I just want the medicine.
I just hate being the guy that forgets. I hope my Chinese improves significantly, I feel like a failure at the moment.
by Jonny | Sep 13, 2011 | Updates
(09/12/2011) Today I went bowling, which was pretty fun! I beat the people I was with 3 times! I averaged over 100 points each game and I got several strikes and quite a few half strikes. I was actually quite impressed with my bowling skills. I also taught my cousins boyfriend how to bowl and I could see he got much better. It is purely just not looking at the pins (The pins are the distraction). You need to look at the ground markers only and aim for them. – 9 times out of 10, you will get the ball going down the middle.
I’m the “15G” guy! I played a little better than usual however with a little more practice, I think I would be pretty decent at bowling at any rate. It is purely just hitting the ball straight down the middle and knowing how to do that. – While also lunging forward enough to get enough speed into the ball to get it rolling fast exactly down the middle. I actually think it is possible to get strikes every round quite easily if you practiced enough.
After bowling we went to this place Lenkung (sp?) township, it is a 1 hour drive from Taichung city to this place. But it is interesting. It is considered as the “old town” since everything, including the buildings are very old. The shops & markets there also looked old. It was an interesting look. The reason I came here, was because I was travelling with my cousins, her boyfriend and also their friends. They went there purely to say a prayer or bow to an idol for the Moon Festival season.
However before this, we ate at an ice desert place. The desert they made was delicious. Though I believe you can buy similar types of food all around Taiwan:
I will end it there. I had a pretty decent day out today – which was a lot of fun!
