by Jonny | Oct 7, 2011 | Updates
I find when I'm in the library I am not actually really studying. I need to break out of this cycle of just chilling out in the library and only doing "some" studying of Chinese-mandarin. I guess my interest in Chinese was at an up around 2 weeks ago, until I got my test result this week on Monday. Let's just say, I didn't do well. – I studied my guts off yet I ended up with a grade which I didn't expect. I'm still trying. I haven't given up yet. I know I just need to study and focus more if I want to improve and get better. I don't want to have to repeat the same level of Chinese, I want to move on to the more difficult stuff. But I need to put the time, effort and concentration/focus in order to achieve that.
I just find it hard separating the adverbs and verbs, even though it is very simple. I just need to know more on the meanings of certain characters. But I have a test coming up this Tuesday. I will have from today to Monday to study hard, since on Tuesday, I don't have class as it will be Taiwan's birthday or something or the other.
MORE FOCUS/CONCENTRATION
by Jonny | Oct 4, 2011 | Updates
I am officially Taiwanese!
It is pretty great as I can stay in Taiwan for as long as I’d like to stay with no restrictions anymore. I can also work here without having to apply for a working visa. I’m also now able to move to a total of 28 countries (incl. European Union countries) without restriction. How cool is that?
I will likely stay in Taiwan for a long time I think. Depends on the situation, what happens, if I’m still happy here, or if I meet anyone etc. I can already foresee many scenarios which can take place good and bad. So depends on the situation whether or not I stay in Taiwan. However I can definitely see myself here for a good few years. – Which will hopefully let my Chinese advance to higher levels as I become assimilated into the Taiwanese culture and life-style!
But yeah it is funny. The nationality is Taiwanese here from what I can understand, yet on all ‘Taiwanese passports’, it says “The Republic of China (ROC)”. Which is why I have included ‘Chiwanese’ in this title. But don’t worry, I know I’m Taiwanese. *wink*
But, there is a catch! I have to do 11 months of Taiwanese military service. *Oh, shit* Was this worth it? 😛
by Jonny | Sep 28, 2011 | Updates
I played football today, I enjoyed that, but it only feels good for so long and in the end… it ends. Everyone goes home and goes to sleep.
I have been awake for almost 3 days now and going onto my 4th day. I should be really tired, but now that I'm home, I don't feel tired. I think I could probably play another 3 hours of football and still be in the same state.
I just want to feel relaxed, secure and I want everything just to be right. That may not make sense, but I just want it to be all OK.
Sometimes I just want life to just shut down from existence. I just want to get away.
I had a really good day today. Well sort of. I studied in the library for 7 hours and then went to play football for the first time in 4 years.
I should feel happy. Yet here I am feeling lost with no direction, quite literally. (Just thinking about it)
I just want to be at peace. But I can't be at peace. I just can't explain myself either that well as I don't know what the problem is. I just wish I could be a different person and not have to struggle so much god damnit.
Test
I mean I have a test tomorrow for lesson 6. I just finished learning the lesson 5 characters. I thought I was ahead in that. But memorizing so many of these characters is frustrating. I just want to scream right now. (In fact I'm doing that in my head right now)
I'm fake
I have also come to realize I'm very fake. Even when I'm not happy, I appear very happy and I'm good at making myself look happy. I just don't want to upset anyone. I just want to be real. But being real means being upset in front of everyone. It means hurting others. I wish I never told my close friend here in Taiwan about my troubles. I don't want to hurt of affect anyone, but I just feel a little hurt inside.
by Jonny | Sep 28, 2011 | Updates
Yesterday I went with possibly who I would call one of greatest friends I have made in Taiwan to go grab something to eat. We both spoke to the boss (Laoban) or my friend really did the talking since he knows more Chinese than me. – But he's studied very hard to get to where he is now with Chinese.
I knew the boss/owner of the restaurant since my friend Laura knew him and when it was her birthday, he seemed extremely nice and kind. – He bought Laura a cake, just on the whim, since we were just passing by. So I said to my friend, let's go eat at his place. His food was pretty nice and would recommend eating at his again.
He drew me and my Korean friend some pictures, which I thought were pretty damn funny:
The Laoban's representation of me with the teacher is of epic proportions. It is amazing how a picture can so easily explain your situation or the way you feel. Good shit, as I would usually say in the UK and good fucking shit for the amazing representation of a situation of the entire nation! (WOT)
by Jonny | Sep 25, 2011 | Updates
I haven't seen my sister face-to-face nearly for one year now. I miss her so much. I see on Facebook she has a picture of me and her just before I boarded my flight to Taiwan as her profile picture. It kind of brings me to tears since I think I didn't kiss her and hug her enough before I left for Taiwan. I miss her terribly, I really do. I have never been this far away from my sister for so long before. Usually I can keep my emotions to myself and I don't usually shed a tear, but looking at the picture, even though I think I look like crap in it, I wish I took more pictures with her when I was in the UK. It was my loss.
She say's she'll come here next year, which I can't wait for. I just don't want the situation to be where I'll go back and it'll be as if I hardly even know her anymore. But I feel she will still be the amazing bubbly sister I have always known.
I guess I feel emotional because of the medicine I take now. It makes me more focused, so when I focused on that picture, I recalled all the good and bad times that we both went through. If there is anyone I can tell something to, it is her. It is her I can have a conversation with and feel as if I am worth something. I just want to talk to her face-to-face and to see what she has been up to and how she has been coping. She seem's to be doing OK in the UK and I'm glad that she has a large network of friends helping and supporting her.
What makes me feel even worse is that my sister cried at the airport when I went to board. I just think back to that moment now and just wish I could go back to hug her and to say everything will be alright. Although I always helped my sis with her college assignments and comforted her, I could have been much nicer to her. When we were just living together by ourselves after a family problem, my sister took care of me. I had good friends, but they didn't last for long, my sister stood right beside me all the time. Which is why I miss her.
On my Facebook info section, I wrote:
I like to take pictures. I now consider it a type of hobby. But I like just purely taking pictures with friends and family. Otherwise you will find later that you will regret the pictures you didn't take and appreciate the pictures you did take.
I wish I had taken more pictures with my sister and I wish I was less afraid of the camera back then. I just wish I had more guts when I was younger, although I am improving now, there really is no time to waste. So when my sister comes to Taiwan (Hopefully I won't be serving in the military), I will take as many pictures of her that I can. Hopefully both together. (So I'll get others to take the pictures)
I hate thinking. It always reduces me to tears especially when it is family related or so personal. This Ritalin (Medicine I'm taking) is good at making you focus, but it also makes you focus on other things you sometimes don't want to focus on. Though I'm glad I'm thinking of my sister right now and I'm glad that I am shedding a few tears over her.
Me and my sister at a younger age
Man I could do with a hug right now. That would feel great. I don't think I have had a hug in over 14 months, not even from my mother. But damn would a hug feel awesome. Just a simple soft and kind hug from a nice person, even if a stranger. It would get so much off my back knowing that others cared just that little bit about me.
— Also I'm not the type of guy to complain or share my emotions (Or at least my sad emotions) like this so easily. I usually keep everything inside, I guess this blog is my relief for now, until I can find someone who cares and who can give me regular warm hugs. I need emotional support I think. If people knew the crap I've been through the last 3-4 years, they would understand. I just don't complain about it since others usually have bigger problems and I'm too embarrassed and have no reason to tell my problems to others. But I need to release that crap somehow as I can feel something building up emotionally inside me.
I'm a little broken inside, but is there really anything which can't be fixed?
That's it for now. I miss ya sis.
