by Jonny | Sep 28, 2011 | Updates
I played football today, I enjoyed that, but it only feels good for so long and in the end… it ends. Everyone goes home and goes to sleep.
I have been awake for almost 3 days now and going onto my 4th day. I should be really tired, but now that I'm home, I don't feel tired. I think I could probably play another 3 hours of football and still be in the same state.
I just want to feel relaxed, secure and I want everything just to be right. That may not make sense, but I just want it to be all OK.
Sometimes I just want life to just shut down from existence. I just want to get away.
I had a really good day today. Well sort of. I studied in the library for 7 hours and then went to play football for the first time in 4 years.
I should feel happy. Yet here I am feeling lost with no direction, quite literally. (Just thinking about it)
I just want to be at peace. But I can't be at peace. I just can't explain myself either that well as I don't know what the problem is. I just wish I could be a different person and not have to struggle so much god damnit.
Test
I mean I have a test tomorrow for lesson 6. I just finished learning the lesson 5 characters. I thought I was ahead in that. But memorizing so many of these characters is frustrating. I just want to scream right now. (In fact I'm doing that in my head right now)
I'm fake
I have also come to realize I'm very fake. Even when I'm not happy, I appear very happy and I'm good at making myself look happy. I just don't want to upset anyone. I just want to be real. But being real means being upset in front of everyone. It means hurting others. I wish I never told my close friend here in Taiwan about my troubles. I don't want to hurt of affect anyone, but I just feel a little hurt inside.
by personal | Jun 20, 2011 | Opinion
This is probably a post I regret or come back on in a few years and probably look at and ridicule myself for this.
But would it not be so much easier to just to have not been alive or just to be dead. I mean, I don't know, I am not enjoying life too much right now. I should really be enjoying it. Who else gets the chance to go to other countries, speak to and make friends with foreign people, learn a new language in University or experience things which you would never have if you stayed in your original country. (For me the UK)
The future
Is life really worth living? I just wish I could find out by going into the future. If my life was pretty bad, I think I would have to end it before I could go through anymore suffering. If you knew what your life was like in the future you could ask whether it is still worth living for, if the future is bad then you know just know it isn't. – Perhaps you can change it, but if you can't what's the point? I mean not to be totally negative, but if my life was really nice and I had a beautiful family, then for me, it would be worth living for. Or if I found out I had a kid or kids then for me it would be worth living. As I would want to do my absolute best for them and make sure they did not grow up the same way as I did. I would have got them into education early and made sure they were learning from the start and I would have treated them like no other. But if that wasn't the case, and I was just purely a bum on the streets and that is the way I died, I don't think I would go on living.
Since the future is uncertain and the many variables that we change when we make decisions, it kind of is worth living for just to see "what happens next?". I mean I have been depressed and at a lot of times suicidal since I was 14, but throughout the years I have come the realization that finding out through life what will happen in the future is worth living for. You might find someone happy, someone who you connect with or something that just purely makes your life happy and worth living for. I think suicide is more importantly a dis-service to your potential future-self which of course is yourself. So I don't think that route should be explored, even if your situation is the worst. You just need to have that certain motivation. I have felt that motivation before when I was excited to learn Chinese. Even though I have lost that and I probably will gain it back once I gain confidence in my learning abilities, I have no doubt that life in the future is a possibility of which it could turn out quite well. In this world you purely just have to make something of yourself. "Don't get left behind…" my teacher told me in class today and she is exactly right.
Maybe life sucks right now and maybe you just don't feel right. I think everyone should give themselves a real chance at their potential and that means trying to the highest of your ability even if you are depressed, upset or suicidal. Just do what you think feels right which will change yourself. Do something rash and out of the ordinary. Scream in the park and let your voice be heard. In fact I might just go do that tomorrow when I go for a run. People have all this energy and power stored inside them, and that to me is potential and people can use that for the betterment of themselves. So never give up. It has been 6 years since I first was suicidal. I have not had the best experience in life that I could have had, pretty much life has sucked up to now. But I'm still going on. I may falter at times, but I'm still going and moving.
by personal | May 26, 2011 | Updates
That used to be me. I'm quite jealous as one of the guys round the running track today was constantly running without stopping. Admittedly I could only handle 3 runs without stopping around the track. This guy was relentless. He kept going, going and going. Then I looked at myself and thought, one day that will be me. Once I reach that fitness level, I think I will be happy with myself. I just want to be able to run round a track constantly and only my breath stopping me from running. It seems that legs start to waiver if I run too much. I guess I need to lose weight in this area. But when I was around 16, I could run for miles without stopping. I was the relentless guy. I used to run 4 miles around my school track most of the time especially so in P.E. I could always lap around the group in my class and leave them behind. I could literally run as opposed to jog the whole way round.
Today on this date, I am pathetic. I can do 3 to maybe 4 runs without stopping. This is significant however as yesterday I could only achieve 2 runs around the track without stopping. I really pushed myself for the 3rd round but for the fourth, I just tried sprinting, then stopped half-way.
Anyways I'm happy with what I have done today. I ran around the track this afternoon 4 times and earlier in the day I ran round 7 times (In intervals), so 11 runs around the track in a day is quite a considerable amount for a beginner like myself. (Though I really used to be an expert) – I just need to get my fitness back and maybe that will self-motivate me if I have the power.
I guess I was quite disappointed, but I've got to look away from the past and look into the future. But I always, always remind myself, if I had not broken my leg years ago, I probably would have had a six pack, won my school's cross country race and would have had different views on life.
Whatever the case, bring on the future. 🙂
by Jonny | Jan 1, 2011 | Updates
2010 has been an interesting year. I’ve been through my ups and lows throughout this year, or to even say that 2010 has been my worst year is a long shot off. But people say that new years are a fresh start. I just hope for the love of everything that is me, my new life in a foreign country is a good one and one that continues with the career of my life. Life is a lot like a job to me. However successful you are in life, reflects usually on one’s well being and happiness. I just hope I do the right things in life.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8WmsqA7Fvc
I know I’ve expressed I have an asshole of an uncle, in my “asshole of an uncle” blog, but I’m not so sure whether he is an actual asshole or not. Well okay, he is an asshole, but not that much of an asshole; if you get what I mean. Whatever the case, he isn’t as bad as I thought and maybe he just had a bad day when I made that blog. But whatever the case, its a new year and I’m willing to give people second chances. 🙂
I think I can make a decent life here in Taiwan. Though I’m a little scared. Life isn’t as what I’ve dreamed about or what I’ve wanted it to be, but sometimes you can’t choose the direction in life you want to go. Sometimes you just take the option in front of you and hope for the best. This is the case in my life I feel.
by Jonny | Sep 3, 2010 | Updates
Here’s the deal: I’m currently working a shitty 8 hour job at minimum wage, and all the money that I earn is helping to pay the family mortgage, food, bills and everything that can be associated with living.
It’s not that I don’t mind paying that and helping out my family. It’s just that I dream of bigger things and bigger ideas. I mean, at the age of just 17 I built own free web hosting company. I would have continued the service today had I been able devote all my time, money and energy into that, but then life just happens. It rips away at the very foundations that you try to instil in yourself. On the flip side I suppose it also makes you want to work harder, and become what you’ve always wanted to be: an entrepreneur. A person who builds things I suppose.
I guess I’ll have to wait till I’m a little older to have that financial freedom. I guess what has made me write this is the fact that a person who is as involved in the same web hosting industry as I recently ranted on about how he built his success on a web forum I frequent.
It also seemed as if his family supported if not pushed him into a certain area, which allowed him to become successful. I sometimes wish that was me, but then who doesn’t? It’s just that I thought I had that potential, and I almost did the exact same thing as that successful guy – minus being able to have the full financial power to take anything further.
Either way, time is passing and it’s as if the longer I wait, the more the opportunity is slipping away. I suppose that opportunities will always arise and I do wonder where I’ll be in a couple years’ time.