by Jonny | Sep 25, 2011 | Updates
I haven't seen my sister face-to-face nearly for one year now. I miss her so much. I see on Facebook she has a picture of me and her just before I boarded my flight to Taiwan as her profile picture. It kind of brings me to tears since I think I didn't kiss her and hug her enough before I left for Taiwan. I miss her terribly, I really do. I have never been this far away from my sister for so long before. Usually I can keep my emotions to myself and I don't usually shed a tear, but looking at the picture, even though I think I look like crap in it, I wish I took more pictures with her when I was in the UK. It was my loss.
She say's she'll come here next year, which I can't wait for. I just don't want the situation to be where I'll go back and it'll be as if I hardly even know her anymore. But I feel she will still be the amazing bubbly sister I have always known.
I guess I feel emotional because of the medicine I take now. It makes me more focused, so when I focused on that picture, I recalled all the good and bad times that we both went through. If there is anyone I can tell something to, it is her. It is her I can have a conversation with and feel as if I am worth something. I just want to talk to her face-to-face and to see what she has been up to and how she has been coping. She seem's to be doing OK in the UK and I'm glad that she has a large network of friends helping and supporting her.
What makes me feel even worse is that my sister cried at the airport when I went to board. I just think back to that moment now and just wish I could go back to hug her and to say everything will be alright. Although I always helped my sis with her college assignments and comforted her, I could have been much nicer to her. When we were just living together by ourselves after a family problem, my sister took care of me. I had good friends, but they didn't last for long, my sister stood right beside me all the time. Which is why I miss her.
On my Facebook info section, I wrote:
I like to take pictures. I now consider it a type of hobby. But I like just purely taking pictures with friends and family. Otherwise you will find later that you will regret the pictures you didn't take and appreciate the pictures you did take.
I wish I had taken more pictures with my sister and I wish I was less afraid of the camera back then. I just wish I had more guts when I was younger, although I am improving now, there really is no time to waste. So when my sister comes to Taiwan (Hopefully I won't be serving in the military), I will take as many pictures of her that I can. Hopefully both together. (So I'll get others to take the pictures)
I hate thinking. It always reduces me to tears especially when it is family related or so personal. This Ritalin (Medicine I'm taking) is good at making you focus, but it also makes you focus on other things you sometimes don't want to focus on. Though I'm glad I'm thinking of my sister right now and I'm glad that I am shedding a few tears over her.
Me and my sister at a younger age
Man I could do with a hug right now. That would feel great. I don't think I have had a hug in over 14 months, not even from my mother. But damn would a hug feel awesome. Just a simple soft and kind hug from a nice person, even if a stranger. It would get so much off my back knowing that others cared just that little bit about me.
— Also I'm not the type of guy to complain or share my emotions (Or at least my sad emotions) like this so easily. I usually keep everything inside, I guess this blog is my relief for now, until I can find someone who cares and who can give me regular warm hugs. I need emotional support I think. If people knew the crap I've been through the last 3-4 years, they would understand. I just don't complain about it since others usually have bigger problems and I'm too embarrassed and have no reason to tell my problems to others. But I need to release that crap somehow as I can feel something building up emotionally inside me.
I'm a little broken inside, but is there really anything which can't be fixed?
That's it for now. I miss ya sis.
by Jonny | Sep 25, 2011 | Updates
Yesterday I went to see "Friends with benefits. I went with my new friends. I think they are pretty awesome even though I don't know them that well.
Critique on the film
The actors were fine but the story was a little lame. The film has a few funny parts and also a few sad parts. The one thing that was sad was about the dad who had altzheimers. – That part of the film which they capitalized on was great, it brought out a little emotion.
But the film in a nut-shell was essentially about 2 people who broke up in relationships and they both came together and became good friends. In the end they were having sex with each other however the sex was a truce that they only be friends and not take it any further. In the end they become a couple after a few life changing events.
The story wasn't great! I regret seeing the film, but the French/Swedish girls with us seemed to enjoy it, so I am content with that. :p We went to see the film at a place called "Tiger City". It is a large shopping mall with most things a regular shopping mall has. It is also very nice looking.
This is a picture with the group I went with:
by Jonny | Sep 25, 2011 | Updates
My Swedish friends
I recently made friends with a few French and Swedish people! – They happen to be really nice people! What happened was that I had arrangements with my friends to eat lunch at 7 pm. However I bumped into a friend called Amie Liao (She is called "crazy girl" usually 😛 – She is very friendly and funny) and she had arrangements with her class mates who were mostly from France, a guy from Spain and 3 from Sweden.
We just happened to have nearly the same arrangements, but just with different friends. So we combined everyone together and we had around 13 people to go to lunch with haha! Originally I was only going to have lunch with 5 other people, but with Amie's friends it was a combined total of 13 or so people. – I am really glad I have met these French, Spanish, Japanese, Taiwanese and Swedish people. They were fun to be with and plus I like the French language! (I wish I studied French harder in school) 🙂
- Left to right: French, French, Taiwanese, French (a French French Taiwanese French Sandwich!)
- Left to right: Taiwanese, French & South Korean
- Left to right: British-Taiwanese, French
Although the food wasn't great, the company was awesome! Turns out these French people are very humble and very nice people! There will be more to follow on these people!!
by Jonny | Sep 21, 2011 | Updates
My god I could not believe myself. My anxiety problems are worse than I previously thought. When the teacher told us to read out a dialogue in Chinese in front of the class, my heart was pumping and beating so fast. I managed to do it correctly and everything, but I felt something after which I have never felt before. I just felt stressed and annoyed at myself for being the way I am. I was literally shaking and I don’t know why. My hands were just shaking uncontrollably.
Perhaps, that is the first step of getting past my nerves about speaking in front of everyone. Maybe the feeling I felt was something I needed and required and is the first step before anything else.
I don’t know why I am like this. When I done my business course in the UK, – I felt anxiety when we had to do a presentation in front of everyone; however, I never really felt like this. The reason for the differentiation between my business course & my Chinese course is the fact that with my Chinese course I feel as if I am no good at the subject.
In fact I am not good at this subject. It hurts since I want to achieve something while I am learning, but I just feel I am not achieving much. That’s all.
by Jonny | Sep 20, 2011 | Updates
I was speaking to my friend from South Korea today and he was also having difficulties learning Chinese. However that is more than understandable considering he managed to skip to a higher level for the Chinese language course.
He is a good friend and I like his advice. He studies very hard I believe however he has started to lose interest in Chinese. We kind of talked it over and he said he didn't have a good enough reason to study Chinese, which is why he is losing interest he believes. I think it is for other reasons. What I believe he is asking himself is "What do I do after I learn Chinese?" or "Am I going to get a job which I will like with the language I am learning?”
In a sense I agree with him. Although I have a pretty damn good reason to be learning this language since I am Taiwanese. Even though I have a good reason and should have this huge drive to be learning this language I am finding this language very tough to muster and to learn. I feel I am learning too slowly and even when I repeatedly find methods which usually work when memorizing the characters, when someone asks me to write those characters, I find it very difficult.
What I also find very difficult is the measurement words to remember in Chinese since books, pens, newspapers all have different measurement words which go before them. So if you want to order two books, you need to know the measurement words. Although you don't in reality considering you'd just pick up two books or you can just say 2 books and not include the measurement word. But I just feel bad every time I have a test, because it seems I am the only guy in class that struggles. I can study the day before and even for the entire week, but yet when it comes to answering questions I am given, I struggle hard. – Harder than anyone else it feels like.
But I am trying to change my attitude since it stinks. I am too afraid to speak and when the teacher asks me any questions, I am afraid to answer or make a fool out of myself. I even made a simple mistake today which some people laughed at. But I noticed the mistake and it was a very small error which I looked past. The error that I found was that I was trying to say the Chinese as fast as I could so people wouldn't think I was slow. The error I made was that I said a little more than I should have done. But that is because I never focused on what I was reading. Otherwise I would have totally understood the question, had I not been so worried about what others were thinking of me.
Tomorrow I will try to change. But I have a feeling or gut instinct I won’t like my test results that I did today. That will make me go back to thinking like a 0 or a nothing. I just hope that things can improve a little more quickly than they are at the moment.
I just feel that with life it comes down to money. You have money? Well you can be who you want and do what you want. You can go on nice holidays and not worry about any bills. – Buy anything you want and do anything you want. No insecurities really. Though I am sure a lot of rich people create insecurities for themselves. I would be more relaxed with learning Chinese, would probably pay for 1 on 1 class everyday and perhaps outside classes too to speed up my learning abilities that bit more. That is the power of money.
by Jonny | Sep 19, 2011 | Updates
I have come to the conclusion that all you need to be in life is nice. Although being nice might not get you anywhere, in fact may hinder you, the best thing is just to be nice to everyone. That person you may not like for whatever reason, you need to find reasons to like that person and to accept that person for who they are.
The problem I have realized in myself is that I am judgmental, but there really is no reason to be. Though really for me the person I judge the most is likely myself. – I judge myself like no other. I should like others for who they are and I should also like myself for who I am. If they don't like you, then you don't have to talk to them at-all. Just try to be the nicer person. It doesn't mean you have to stop swearing, drinking or anything like that. Just be nice.
In fact I am going to challenge myself from now on to do something nice each day for someone else. I don't know what the first thing would be to do, but just having a nice chat with someone, is always nice or making someone smile. – I do this a lot. Unfortunately I can't actually make myself happy though I can with others.
So today: [9/20/2011] – What have I done today?
For the first time I have come to class, I haven't been judgmental of others. The problem with me is that I am so judgmental with others, in the end I just judge myself. That causes me to feel anxiety and other stuff that I should not be worried about. Today I nearly felt sick, but I took my Ritalin today and felt that I actually learned something today as opposed to nothing.
