I would usually post how my Mandarin-Chinese studies are going, but I’ll be honest and say it isn’t going too well. Although I am improving overall, I’m not improving as fast as I would like. I guess you could kind of say I’m struggling a little to grasp this language, however today and yesterday I went to my local 24 hour McDonald’s and just got my head down and studied. No distractions, plenty of coffee and plenty of practise pronouncing, writing and lots of memorising. Although I got weird stares from others inside McDonald’s and people looking at what I was doing, it kind of motivated me in some weird way. It kind of told me “people are looking, I don’t want to look stupid” when in-fact to them I probably was just a crazy fool studying my basic knowledge of their own language. I studied from 12 at night to 3:00am in the morning.
Then I called it quits, went back home and had a shower. I did eat a large Big Mac meal just to get me through the night and I had 2 coffee’s; not really a healthy combination, but it helped me study and focus. However previously I played football from 7pm to around 8:10pm and that kind of wore me down, but I knew I had to get down to business considering I have an oral test coming up later today. (Right now for me it is 3:31am) I start class at 8am. But I think I’m going to throw up tomorrow, I drank way too much coffee. Which is why I am still awake now. In fact I am not going to go to sleep today even though I have a busy day ahead. I’m going to watch some Mandarin tutorials on YouTube just to purely understand the grammar structure and to learn a little more. – Rather than waste it on sleep. (Although I realise I should sleep, but I’m too worried; another unhealthy combination)
In fact I’m so worried, I memorized a sentence to say to the teacher tomorrow. Essentially the sentence is: “No bad feelings, but I feel very nervous right now”. I’m worried I won’t be able to answer all the questions and that would really hurt my confidence, especially when I’m trying the best I can.
I also have some personal issues which is making me worry even further. I just wish I didn’t have to worry so much… but that’s me. I worry too much about everything. My friends, education, life, every detail… I worry about everything and I worry too much about every single individual ‘fucking’ thing. (It drives me crazy) I think in the end I’m going to go crazy. I think people are already seeing the crazy side come out. But it really isn’t funny. God damnit, I cannot control my ADHD sometimes and I go over the top. Then I get cynical of myself, thinking that others hate me while others adore me. I understand you cannot win everyone, but it seems the friends I have always been close to are distancing themselves. I have plenty of good friends, but I don’t want to lose anyone really. But my life is just all over the place at the moment. So if you are my friend and you are reading this, please understand my position. I’m a mess right now. Even though it may seem I am fine inside… there is an acronym I can use right now… it is FUBAR. (Fucked Up Beyond All Repair) – It is how I feel right now, although I do believe I can repair myself in the end.
