I haven't seen my sister face-to-face nearly for one year now. I miss her so much. I see on Facebook she has a picture of me and her just before I boarded my flight to Taiwan as her profile picture. It kind of brings me to tears since I think I didn't kiss her and hug her enough before I left for Taiwan. I miss her terribly, I really do. I have never been this far away from my sister for so long before. Usually I can keep my emotions to myself and I don't usually shed a tear, but looking at the picture, even though I think I look like crap in it, I wish I took more pictures with her when I was in the UK. It was my loss.
She say's she'll come here next year, which I can't wait for. I just don't want the situation to be where I'll go back and it'll be as if I hardly even know her anymore. But I feel she will still be the amazing bubbly sister I have always known.
I guess I feel emotional because of the medicine I take now. It makes me more focused, so when I focused on that picture, I recalled all the good and bad times that we both went through. If there is anyone I can tell something to, it is her. It is her I can have a conversation with and feel as if I am worth something. I just want to talk to her face-to-face and to see what she has been up to and how she has been coping. She seem's to be doing OK in the UK and I'm glad that she has a large network of friends helping and supporting her.
What makes me feel even worse is that my sister cried at the airport when I went to board. I just think back to that moment now and just wish I could go back to hug her and to say everything will be alright. Although I always helped my sis with her college assignments and comforted her, I could have been much nicer to her. When we were just living together by ourselves after a family problem, my sister took care of me. I had good friends, but they didn't last for long, my sister stood right beside me all the time. Which is why I miss her.
On my Facebook info section, I wrote:
I like to take pictures. I now consider it a type of hobby. But I like just purely taking pictures with friends and family. Otherwise you will find later that you will regret the pictures you didn't take and appreciate the pictures you did take.
I wish I had taken more pictures with my sister and I wish I was less afraid of the camera back then. I just wish I had more guts when I was younger, although I am improving now, there really is no time to waste. So when my sister comes to Taiwan (Hopefully I won't be serving in the military), I will take as many pictures of her that I can. Hopefully both together. (So I'll get others to take the pictures)
I hate thinking. It always reduces me to tears especially when it is family related or so personal. This Ritalin (Medicine I'm taking) is good at making you focus, but it also makes you focus on other things you sometimes don't want to focus on. Though I'm glad I'm thinking of my sister right now and I'm glad that I am shedding a few tears over her.
Me and my sister at a younger age
Man I could do with a hug right now. That would feel great. I don't think I have had a hug in over 14 months, not even from my mother. But damn would a hug feel awesome. Just a simple soft and kind hug from a nice person, even if a stranger. It would get so much off my back knowing that others cared just that little bit about me.
— Also I'm not the type of guy to complain or share my emotions (Or at least my sad emotions) like this so easily. I usually keep everything inside, I guess this blog is my relief for now, until I can find someone who cares and who can give me regular warm hugs. I need emotional support I think. If people knew the crap I've been through the last 3-4 years, they would understand. I just don't complain about it since others usually have bigger problems and I'm too embarrassed and have no reason to tell my problems to others. But I need to release that crap somehow as I can feel something building up emotionally inside me.
I'm a little broken inside, but is there really anything which can't be fixed?
That's it for now. I miss ya sis.
